So Okay, there is tons of terrible news out there: Chinese laborers shipped to Africa to mine for cobalt. Climate change and the demise of child monarch butterflies and their sole food stuff source, milkweed. A under no circumstances-ending chronicle of police shooting harmless persons and currently being shot in transform by folks who should not have guns to commence with. Housing. Drought. Bike sections unavailable.

But my cup is nevertheless 50 percent total — things could be worse.

What if, for starters, George Soros and his flying saucers ended up really dependable for wildfires in California, busily burning down forests to make place for superior-pace rail? In which circumstance, we genuinely are doomed, and I must not even trouble ending writing this column.

I write on, nonetheless, recognizing that some of you persons out there will assault me for permitting George off the hook for the forest fires. Just after all, if Mr. Soros is not accountable for California wildfires, that leaves weather alter as the possible suspect — and we all know that is designed up, so it must be flying saucers.

Still, I cling to information and logic in the facial area of mind-boggling “proof” offered by Rudy Giuliani, Bill O’Reilly and Alex Jones, between some others who, if they knew me, would possibly look at me a member of the Illuminati, marketing a New Environment Order and outlining the pyramid eye showcased on the dollar invoice.

The Dan Brown flicks (“Inferno,” “The Da Vinci Code”) are entertaining for the same explanations that murder mysteries continue to be well-liked: a mix of clues and scarcely plausible inbound links among unrelated but nicely known specifics that add up to an astounding rationalization of truth. Entertaining, if you really do not take it any more seriously than a Marvel superhero motion picture.

Yet another purpose to end crafting and embark on a closing spherical of debauchery prior to “they” consider in excess of is the idea that tens of millions and, inevitably, billions of us have been unwittingly injected with microchip monitoring equipment as part of the COVID vaccination approach.

Alas, this govt tracker is superfluous for most of us and loses its chill of terror when one realizes that Strava, Garmin, Progressive Insurance policies and Google now have my permission (and yours, in most scenarios) to monitor our each individual move on our cellphones whilst industrial drones address the relaxation of us from the sky. Continue to, I glimpse forward to a movie starring Tom Hanks as Monthly bill Gates, the creator of the COVID virus. The plot no question would depth his wife’s divorce from him when she figured out that Bill sponsored the radio frequency identification chip injections, designed funds on the vaccine, the chip and so on just to out evil George Soros and his traveling saucers.

And, lastly, with the admission by NASA that it can’t determine Unknown Flying Objects just one way or one more, we can anticipate any range of new conspiracy theories to emerge. A lot more presently, however, we have the main of team of the quickly-to-be-reinstated president, No. 45, inquiring U.S. Lawyer Normal Rod Rosenstein to ­investigate #Italygate. That one’s the declare that Italians employed army satellites to make U.S. voting equipment flip votes from Trump to Joe Biden.

I am not absolutely sure why all these wonderful conspiracy theories have Italian roots. Maybe it’s Leonardo Da Vinci’s style and design or helicopters perhaps it’s the Madonna of the UFO (a painting of a UFO carried out in the 15th century). Possibly it’s Dante Alighieri’s “Divine Comedy” depicting hell. Probably Italians are just far more entertaining and innovative than everyone else.

So, with COVID receding and other terrible information soaring to get its spot, I am hunting ahead to a lot of additional hilarious conspiracies to distract us from actuality. It’s not like I have significantly selection: if any of this stuff was serious, I would be too concerned to sense. Due to the fact DIA is host to the underground town of the New Planet Purchase, the planes in all probability fly above Place 51, and my wife life in California at the mercy of Soros’ flying saucers. In addition to, I am double vaccinated, so even if I ditch my cell cellphone, “they” will discover us by means of my Pfizer-presented chip.

Mick Ireland is tempted to say to conspiracy people today, “Bring it,” but he’s worried they will. Share your bizarre theories at [email protected]